


Fallen

by leonard_mccoy



Category: Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: Addict!Sebastian, Angst, F/M, Guilty Sebastian, M/M, Mentions of an abusive father, Self-harming Sebastian Moran, mormor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 17:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16045613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonard_mccoy/pseuds/leonard_mccoy
Summary: Sebastian Moran writes about the suicide of his lover, the consulting criminal James Moriarty, and his own deep regrets and desires.





	Fallen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



**Date:** January 15, 2012

My name is Sebastian Moran, and this entry is in memory of James Moriarty, the only man who truly loved me as I loved him. It’s been a long time since I heard that fatal gunshot and felt the excruciating pain of his loss, yet the void has never closed, not that I ever expect it to. Every stroke of the shovel, every sliver of pain in my aching muscles, and every inch of earth I shift will be penance for failing to bring him back safely.

I only wonder…what will Mycroft Holmes do if he reaches the body first? Look at me, calling the man I would die for a body. As though he were nothing more than flesh. I am afraid that I do not know what to say or what to do. It broke me, the darkness that tore him apart, it broke me so much that I turned back to drugs after only a week of being clean. I did not abandon the razor- I still haven’t, in fact- but it does not cause me pain any longer.

At least, not enough to serve as a reminder for what I failed to prevent.

Thus when the torture of his last moments seized my mind, I feared- not for myself but for him- and I was right to do so. He was his own worst enemy. I know that even when every star this universe holds is extinguished, and every galaxy has exploded into the vast darkness of space, I will never stop loving him. For with Jim Moriarty, I found purpose. Emotions that I had never felt before flickered inside me. I have never before been charmed by the voice of one, beckoning me slowly to walk his side by the edge of the cliff. I have never fallen willingly with only two hands to hold me, to break me and so bring me me forth again.

Every touch of his skin against mine only brought us closer, intertwining our souls in perfect harmony. Every time I felt his cold blade against my skin…it sparked in me shivers of anticipation and I gave him nothing but my full trust and undying obedience. This was the kind of furious, passionate, dizzying love that was undeniably fascinating to behold…and extremely compelling. With my father, there was only drunken rage. Only anger, and nothing to keep me by his side but the promise of a warm bed. I finally chose starving over abuse - but I didn’t belong there.

Nor did I belong under the sharp crop of Irene Adler, my first attempt at a romantic connection despite the sparks of attraction that were exchanged the first time she fooled me into becoming a submissive in her care. I did not want a relationship again, love would be a distraction, a useless distraction from what truly matters- logic, rationality and the intricate analysis and precision that would correctly execute a kill if it were performed in time, appropriately and accurately. Or so I believed until I met Jim. It was then that I realised I had been completely mistaken. But I have strayed far from my point. But I vow to do this. I will dig his grave myself. For I have failed deeply. Jim Moriarty was not just the man I loved, he was everything to me..and I have forsaken him. I failed to save him. And I did not even die trying.

Jim, please don’t be dead. I ask you for the millionth time. No, I beg you. I beg you to be alive and well. I am begging you, Jim. One more miracle. I’m this close to pressing my own gun to my temple. Please. One more miracle, my love. Come back to me.


End file.
